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I am 23, and I have been sick for 23 years. I even spent the first two weeks of my life in the NICU, and my mom couldn’t hold me for three full days.
So, what am I sick with? Well, let’s see, there’s the Acid Reflux and Irritable Bowel Syndrome that I was diagnosed with when I was little (as well as chronic UTIs). The chronic migraines came later on in my childhood. Then, when I was fourteen, and it was time to stop homeschooling and start high schooling, the stress of the change caused my worst illness to flare up. But we didn’t know what it was. We spent three months in and out of the hospital. I was probably X-Rayed three hundred times. Sent back and forth between different doctors. Missed three weeks of school. Wanted. To. Die. Then I was sent into the office of a Rheumnatologist, and my favorite doctor ever. We were in there for only five minutes before he diagnosed me: Basically I don’t have enough cartilage, and it causes serious inflammation and pain. It’s called Hyper-Mobility Syndrome, and the whole thing ended up being a little Faultish: “I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.” Except I’m not dying. I’ll only be sick forever. And which is worst, really?
So, what am I sick with? Well, let’s see, there’s the Acid Reflux and Irritable Bowel Syndrome that I was diagnosed with when I was little (as well as chronic UTIs). The chronic migraines came later on in my childhood. Then, when I was fourteen, and it was time to stop homeschooling and start high schooling, the stress of the change caused my worst illness to flare up. But we didn’t know what it was. We spent three months in and out of the hospital. I was probably X-Rayed three hundred times. Sent back and forth between different doctors. Missed three weeks of school. Wanted. To. Die. Then I was sent into the office of a Rheumnatologist, and my favorite doctor ever. We were in there for only five minutes before he diagnosed me: Basically I don’t have enough cartilage, and it causes serious inflammation and pain. It’s called Hyper-Mobility Syndrome, and the whole thing ended up being a little Faultish: “I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.” Except I’m not dying. I’ll only be sick forever. And which is worst, really?
Resources for spoonies:
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I wish I could tell you that the physical is all I have to deal with. But it isn’t.
After going through too much in my new adult life, I placed myself in the care of psychology. I have been seeing a therapist for the past three years, and during that time I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, mood disorders, OCD, and Borderline-Personality Disorder. And I’ve been receiving so much help for it.
After going through too much in my new adult life, I placed myself in the care of psychology. I have been seeing a therapist for the past three years, and during that time I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, mood disorders, OCD, and Borderline-Personality Disorder. And I’ve been receiving so much help for it.
DBT.
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*please beware of triggers from this point on
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Once upon a time this was a full-on recovery blog. A traditional story of girl meets girl, I like to think I saved another girl’s life. We used that story to create this blog together. We wanted to save other girls’ lives. And I like to think that we did for a while. A month into it, our story took a little break when she asked me to take a break. Another month later, she decided to hand the pen completely over to me, and I tried to keep the story going.
But you should never set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and that’s what I was doing. I decided to put the flames out and change the story. That’s why I’m a young author’s blog now. Because I am a young author.
But you should never set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and that’s what I was doing. I decided to put the flames out and change the story. That’s why I’m a young author’s blog now. Because I am a young author.
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Four years ago, I started harming myself. Things were bad, and I didn’t think there was anything I could do about that. But there were so many things I could do about that. And I figured a few of them out. And now I’m a year cut clean as of August 19, 2015.
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When Demi Lovato opened up about her eating disorder and recovery, she told us that she remembered looking in the mirror at the age of three and thinking she was fat. When I was five-years-old, I remember telling my parents a little white lie because I was embarrassed. They knew I was lying and I heard them talking about it. And I thought I was a bad girl. And I thought that there were things I thought I didn’t deserve. And food was one of those things. Ever since then, I’ve always been made to feel like I don’t deserve my daily needs, like my body has to be punished or something. But I’m slowly starting to learn. And I’m slowly starting to recover.
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You would think with everything else I deal with that I would also deal with suicidal thoughts, and you would be right. And I’d like to say that I’ve never acted out on these thoughts, but I would be lying. I would be dead right now if God hadn’t stalled my car on that September 19th four years ago. And with the way my life is now, I’m so so glad He did.
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These things are nothing more than a way of copings. No matter what you feel, the devil is not holding you down. This is a battle you can fight. And your weapon does not have to be a blade. You can fight it with support. You can fight it with art. With sense. You can even have a dance party by yourself.
Visual skills:
Color matching gameCute overloadCute rouletteFireplaceLaugh with the procrastinatorLivestream of the oceanMake everything okayMake SandArt onlinethe Mountain- 3:09Open a windowPaint a nebulaPlay with cobwebsSeed plant breederSmash glassUn-disgruntle yourselfWeave silk
Sound skills:
All the music you’ve ever rebloggedAmbient sounds (multiple)
Calming sounds (multiple)
Coffee shopCoffee shop bluesConcentration 8tracksHappiness 8tracksMake cool musicMake your own A Cappella groupPlay pianoQuiet placeSounds to fall asleep toSounds to help you focusThoughts roomWhite noise generatorYoutube to MP3 (MP4)
Calming sounds (multiple)
Coffee shopCoffee shop bluesConcentration 8tracksHappiness 8tracksMake cool musicMake your own A Cappella groupPlay pianoQuiet placeSounds to fall asleep toSounds to help you focusThoughts roomWhite noise generatorYoutube to MP3 (MP4)
Creative skills:
Learn ElvishMake a flower crownMake a font from your handwritingMake gifsMake a wandOrigami
Upcycle old tee shirts/no-sew
Upcycle old tee shirts/no-sew
Silly skills:
Sleeping as a skill:
Help somebody else as a skill:
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Animals are such a big part of coping. Many treatment centers use animal therapy, and many therapist recommend volunteering at an animal shelter as a skill. And if you don't believe how much animals can help, I dare you to get a pet and not feel a wee bit happier.
Live animal feeds:
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I never want you to believe that other people can't help you cope too. I wouldn't be where I am without the support and coping of the other humans in my life. And I love them all so much.
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I saved my favorite way of coping for the last. Fatal to the Flesh is a blank screen that you can cut when you feel like there's nothing left to do but cut or starve or even kill yourself. And it bleeds! I don't know about you, but seeing blood, even computerized, makes me feel like I'm finally doing something. And it's such a relief.
Fatal to the flesh (PLEASE be aware of triggers on this one)
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And if all else fails, just know that I love you.
aimeeann♥
aimeeann♥
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